When She Was Five

February 19, 2016 No Comments »
When She Was Five

The superstar of my Twitter feed had fewer things to say when she was five than when she was four or three, but there were some standouts this year!

February 2015

B-uURaTUUAA_mUe5-yr-old, walking around with her eyes closed: “Oh man… I peeked. Now I have to go to the end of the line.”
If you say so…

5-yr-old: “Daddy, I’m pretending you’re here.”
Me: “But I *am* here!”
5-yr-old: “Oh, I’m pretending you’re gone and here.”
What?

5-yr-old is working on her Krang costume… pic.twitter.com/71hDBzTndo

5-yr-old thinks @taylorswift13 ‘s single is called “Shake It Ah.” Top of her lungs dancing through the kitchen…

March 2015

5-yr-old, overheard: “No, I’m not going to give you the lava suit!” Is that a suit made of lava, or…?

5-yr-old is practicing crying in front of the mirror…

5-yr-old: “The bus lady told us what all her kids’ names are. They all have fruit names.”

5-yr-old: “All the boys’ names are Peach & all the girls’ names are Strawberry. Actually, that’s a lie. We don’t know what their names are.”

5-yr-old is glaring daggers at me right now because I wouldn’t let her eat an entire box of crackers. At 5 p.m. While I’m making supper…

5-yr-old: “Hello, my name is God.”
Say what?

9-yr-old: “Jinx, you owe me a soda!”
5-yr-old: “No! No soda for you!”

April 2015

CBjnmBaUoAA4z_eTop notch parenting right here… #5-yr-old pic.twitpic.twitter.com/YGlGT09b9r

5-yr-old decides, once all the lunch stuff is safely put away, that she would indeed like an egg similar to those prepared for everyone else

5-yr-old: “Dad! Remember, you’re not good enough!”
The feeling is mutual…

5-yr-old is giving 12-yr-old driving instructions. Why? I have no idea…

CCqzTjnUIAAtCCs5-yr-old enjoying some warmer weather on the deck…pic.twitter.com/bvshdSLbhj

5-yr-old: “I got pizza sauce on my pants.”
Me: “We can call you Miss Saucy Pants!”
5-yr-old, shaking her fist to the sky: “Nooooooooooooo!”

9-yr-old: “So, how do I look?”
5-yr-old: “Not good…”

CDO-HQEUMAAA_nq5-yr-old rode her bike all the way around the block today – finally warm enough! pic.twitter.com/HGgheATXvf

5-yr-old: “Dad, your hair looks like ketchup.”
Me: *schedules eye exam for her, then remembers that my hair is dyed pink*

May 2015

5-yr-old: “If I had a superpower, it would be crying… And freaking people out.”
Good to know…

5-yr-old: “Dad, I’m going to take a bath & use the gluten-free body wash to get clean.”
Um, okay. As long as there’s no gluten on you.

5-yr-old: “Mom, why do you drink coffee? Do you want to stay short for the rest of your life?”

5-yr-old gets out of backyard pool & gets dressed in long sleeves and long pants. Does she know smth the rest of us don’t? *starts snowing*

5-yr-old: “Hi, dad! I’m watching bubble movies. They all end with popping.”

5-yr-old: “DON’T CALL ME A GRUMPY CHICKEN!!!”
*crosses arms and pouts*

June 2015

5-yr-old is presently in the “let’s see how much water fits in the bathtub” phase…

Whenever the 5-yr-old starts with “Okay dad, here’s the deal…” I get a little apprehensive. Then I laugh, because she’s 5.

Me, putting the 5-yr-old in her bed: “Lie down, okay?”
She: *faceplant into the mattress*
It’s a wonder my laughing didn’t wake her up…

July 2015

CJWUXYIUYAAME9wNew extreme sport for 5-yr-olds: princess carting.pic.twitter.com/C5VuwTjfUQ

5-yr-old: “Stabby stabby stab…”
Me: *backs away slowly*

August 2015

5-yr-old: “I don’t know how to make an elephant with myself!”
Me: “…”

The 5-yr-old is wearing 12-18 month shorts… So tiny.

5-yr-old: “Dad, what’s 5+5+5?”
Me: “15”
She: “So three fives is fifteen?”
She’s going into kindergarten…What will she have left to learn?

5-yr-old: “I flushed my t-rex down the toilet!”

CNMSH79WwAAojo05-yr-old peanut fits in the bag for the sleeping bag… ift.tt/1U2FRrwpic.twitter.com/SnNpFCOlfa

5-yr-old picked out a My Little Pony backpack and a Star Wars lunch kit.

CNs_t9bUYAAAaEX5-yr-old is doing “science experiments” w/ Mexican jumping beans in her “volcano bucket.” For this, goggles. pic.twitter.com/l0nJg3MQhO

5-yr-old: “Dad, what if the store had a carton of lava, but you thought it was a carton of milk and you accidentally drank it?”
Me: …

September 2015

5-yr-old:”Can I have strawberries for lunch?”
Me:”No, you have to have real food.”
She:”Arrgh! If I can’t eat just berries, I’m not eating.”

5-yr-old: “I’m a ninja princess, and I found my ninja prince. We’re half ninja, half human.”
Ninjas aren’t human? That might explain things.

5-yr-old: “I wanna go with mom!”
Me: “Is it so terrible being stuck here with me?”
5-yr-old, tearfully: “YES!”

5-yr-old, drawing: “The bad guy spilled some evil soup on his self, so he died.”
Me: “From soup?”
5-yr-old: “Evil soup!”
#I’llHaveTheSalad

CQMcBDIUYAAeevU5-yr-old fingernails are dicey to paint – so tiny…pic.twitter.com/HDD2hRAm2g

October 2015

CQ1GbH_U8AAwVUUToo long for Twitter, too cute not to post… 5-yr-old strikes again.pic.twitter.com/U9F3V7xvFY

5-yr-old can’t run properly… Every fifth or sixth step turns into a skip. It’s endearing…

5-yr-old: “Hecht means ‘pike’ in German.”
Thanks, tips.

CShDYoKUwAElr_3Two-handed chalk drawing in the classroom… #5-yr-old pic.twitter.com/cOQnXDv1yF

5-yr-old is getting antsy to hand out candy: “Isn’t anyone going to trick-or-treat at my house?”
It’s 3:30 in the afternoon…

November 2015

CS2ATr4UYAAua8I5-yr-old: “Look dad, my fingers are all Dorito-y orange!”pic.twitter.com/nsT9Hf0Tit

5-yr-old: “I don’t want to make my dreams come true… I had a dream where a cat was trying to put me in jail!”
Um…

5-yr-old is complaining that mozzarella is “too strong.” Well, allow me to introduce you to blue cheese…

December 2015

5-yr-old: “Hey dad, N-n-n-n-n spells nnnnnn.”
Uh, thanks?

CVQtwA4UsAAc4Nt5-yr old: “Dad, this is the mediumest in the world.”
Sorry, the what now? pic.twitter.com/pPgjY8xIJD

5-yr-old: “Boys are pieces of meat.”
Me: “Huh?”
5-yr-old: “And girls are pieces of butterflies.”
Me: …

5-yr-old, singing about gummi bears: “So the two little guys…”
12-yr-old: “Died.”
5-yr-old: “No, they went home you butt nugget.”
?…???

Meanwhile, the 5-yr-old is saying random noises and telling me they’re words in another language. That’s not how it works…

That time I convinced the 5-yr-old that Dairy Queen didn’t sell ice cream anymore and she started bawling.

CWnPMSPUsAEn_FoRobot toy: “You officially rock!”
5-yr-old: “I know” pic.twitter.com/AZpdlqzdzC

January 2016

CYisyTmUkAQbQQEHow I spent part of my day off with the 5-yr-old… pic.twitter.com/9o1rXKZFdA

5-yr-old is Imperial Marching her way to the bathroom. Like, walking there singing “dun dun dun duh-da-dun duh-da-dun.”

10-yr-old and 5-yr-old are arguing whether a particular substance is “snot” or “boogers”… ?

February 2016

CajOCPNVIAEkhGG5-yr-old is wearing an 18-month dress as a sweater… Tall and thin… pic.twitter.com/zGHKSzsExg

5-yr-old: “Mom, why is Adele under a bridge?”
Me: “She’s meeting the Chili Peppers.”
5-yr-old: *blank stare*

The department of pre-crime is functional in any kitchen that serves food to kindergartners. 5-yr-old apparently convinced I’m poisoning her

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