Very few parenting books tell you that four years old is a return to the terrible twos (with a vengeance). While there were certainly a lot of tantrums this year, those of you who follow me on Twitter know that Noelle can also be quite funny, so I’ve collected her humour here. Her three-year-old summary is here.
4-yr-old: “I’m busy… I’m smiling at the camera!”
4-yr-old: “Does Star Wars have glow sticks?” From a certain point of view…
4-yr-old, holding a slice of lemon: “This is a sad robot.” Riiiiiiiiight…
4-yr-old: “I like being awesome!”
4-yr-old: “I pretend to sneeze all the time! But when my germs are gone, I’ll be back to not sick.” Dr. Preschooler, folks…
4-yr-old: “If I can’t find my magic wand, I’ll forget to turn people in to sausages!” Not seeing the down side here, to be honest…
“When was Mike Ouski?” ~ 4-yr-old, re: Monsters, Inc.
4-yr-old: “I’m dancing like a French guy!” Does this have anything to do with the fact that you’re not wearing any shirt?
4-yr-old: “You know what my toque’s real name is called?”
Me: “No, what?”
4-yr-old is arguing with Kai Lan on tv. I think she’s winning, too.
Thought the 4-yr-old just called the 10-yr-old a man-whore. Turned out, she said “man-horse”, which is better, I guess?
“I’m going into space!” pic.twitter.com/tVr2gjnCLS
How to get the cat to stop meowing: tell the 4-yr-old that he wants a hug. Cat runs and hides, chased by enthusiastic preschooler. Booyah!
4-yr-old eats pizza like no one else. Right now she is finger-painting her tongue with tomato sauce…
“I’m a monkey robot!” ~ 4-yr-old
4-yr-old: “Daddy, look at me when I start getting funny!” Sir yes sir!
4-yr-old is singing Katy Perry’s “Roar”, but she thinks the line “I am a champion” is “I am a candle.”
“This teddy bear smells like teddy bear juice!” ~ 4-yr-old. I don’t even…
Took the family to see the Muppets yesterday. 4-yr-old has been referring to Constantine as “the bad frog who drives a helicopter” since.
4-yr-old to @mandinni , after I told her she couldn’t have any more pop: “Mom, change Dad’s mind!”
4-yr-old, re supper: “I think this tastes like a cheesy bread donkey wrap!” Uh, I was with you up to bread…
Pretty sure the 4-yr-old is LARPing in the bathtub. She keeps yelling “Fire breathe!”
Turns out I was wrong. It was the fish that was fire-breathing, not the 4-yr-old. How silly of me!
Youngest cousins. My 4-yr-old and my niece at church last week.pic.twitter.com/S6cnPf63gB
4-yr-old: “Sometimes, ladybugs are mean!”
4-yr-old: “I wish I had a bottle of cupcake glue!” Wut?
4-yr-old, in the tub: “I’m a dolphin. Bring me some cheese!” I was unaware aquatic mammals had dairy proclivities…
Me: “N, don’t spill these Nerds all over the place.” *hands Nerds to 4-yr-old* 4-yr-old: *spills Nerds all over the place* Me: *facepalm*
4-yr-old tells me she’s not hungry enough to finish supper. Immediately on getting down from the table, she tells me she smells new cookies.
Now the 4-yr-old is marching around the house eating celery.#WinSomeLoseSome
4-yr-old: “My pants’ name is wiggle.” Yeah, no kidding.
4-yr-old: “Everything’s terrible without mom. I wonder if she’ll bring me a present?” No agenda whatsoever…
4-yr-old: “I can’t whistle, so I just *howls*. Like a fox.”
I can tell the 4-yr-old has been pouring her own cereal when there’s a half a bowl of Cheerios in the bottom of the box, outside the bag.
4-yr-old, from the next room: “Come and find me!” Me: *looks over* 4-yr-old: “Aww. You found me…”
4-yr-old: “Need to get on with some running!” *proceeds to take off running through the living room*
4-yr-old: “You don’t suck!” Uh, thanks?
4-yr-old: “Our hair is made of paper. That’s why the wind blows it around.”
4-yr-old puts hand on top of head: “I’m about this tall.”
4-yr-old: “I’m still this tall!” pic.twitter.com/FB4tqI6sj1
4-yr-old is sighing appreciatively after every sip of milk. Finding joy in small things is the kids’ gift to me.
4-yr-old: “This is no time for an orange!” If you say so…
4-yr-old: “I can’t talk because my friends are in my mouth.” Wut?
4-yr-old: “If you have a fish in your pool, you have to whack it out if it’s not its pool.” Careful, don’t tell PETA.
4-yr-old: “The water smells LOVELY!!”
4-yr-old, after running into the couch: “Aww, that was my face going like this!” pic.twitter.com/Wb2fqa0t72
4-yr-old: “Now I have a real face!”
Me: “Not a fake one?”
4-yr-old: “Nope, it’s all real!”
4-yr-old, running her hands up and down her sides: “These bones are bumpy!”
Out for coffee with the 4-yr-old. She’s very animated telling me the latest “Harry & His Bucket Full of Dinosaurs”. pic.twitter.com/EFy7HoivDE
4-yr-old, outside of 11-yr-old’s room: “Let me in! I can’t stay like this forever.” Too bad, it’s a fun age…
4-yr-old: “I only have ten rules, dad. You need to listen to them!”
4-yr-old: “I had a friend. He had a face and eyes and he talked.” I should hope so…
4-yr-old: “I need to put on some moon-block so I don’t get moonburned.”
4-yr-old, holding up a plastic sword: “I need to do some killing. Pretend killing, daddy.” Well good, I was worried there for a minute…
4-yr-old: “The pool is a carrot, dad!” What on earth have you been smoking, child?
4-yr-old: “My toots are poisonous.” Good to know.
4-yr-old, listening to Great Big Sea: “They sound like pirates!” That they do, lassie!
4-yr-old: “Pew pew pew… I KILL EVERYONE!”
Me: *backs away slowly*
4-yr-old, feeling my cheek: “It’s all scratchy!”
@mandinni: “It’s called stubble.”
4-yr-old: “It’s not stubble… IT’S AWESOME!”
8-yr-old gave 4-yr-old chocolate pudding for breakfast. What could possibly go wrong?
4-yr-old: “I think my brain is made of goo. And if it is, I will make a new brain for me out of plant… that’s pretty weird, right?” Yes.
4-yr-old enjoying the new pool… vine.co/v/MtrZglQFm01
4-yr-old, out of the blue: “I want a hang glider.” Um, no.
4-yr-old, following up: “I wish I could climb up on the roof. With my own monkey ladder.” Again, n… wait, what’s a monkey ladder?
4-yr-old, looking at the marinade for the steaks: “It looks like pepper soup!” You’re not wrong… pic.twitter.com/98vdAID7SV
4-yr-old hamming it up for the camera… pic.twitter.com/bjuIViLRQ9
8-yr-old: “Can I have my pop?”
Me: “Yes, if it will shut you up about it.”
4-yr-old: “I’ll shut up if I have pop.”
Hoist on my own petard…
4-yr-old is wearing 18-24 month pants as shorts. Her waist size hasn’t changed in two years?
4-yr-old just did the sad trombone noise. I guess I’m not a complete failure as a parent…
4-yr-old just made me put a belt on pants that have no zipper. Apparently, the belt was the important part…
4-yr-old is an active sleeper…That’s what you call it when you get karate-kicked in the face, right?
This is what happens when dads are left to do the hair…pic.twitter.com/zgCAS9nOn3
Me: “Look at all the yellow flowers!”
4-yr-old: “Dad, those aren’t flowers, they’re canola!”
Saskatchewan born and raised…
11-yr-old: “Who likes my hair?”
4-yr-old: “Not me.” *pauses* “It tastes like pickles!”
4-yr-old: “My nut is cracked.” I’ll say…
This more or less perfectly encapsulates the 4-yr-old…pic.twitter.com/xjiSxvUb35
Me: “What do you want for lunch?”
4-yr-old: “I want crackers and cheese… but with no cheese.”
4-yr-old has crashed and is now solar recharging…pic.twitter.com/5MkWj70xX0
4-yr-old: “Tomorrow, I missed you when you were gone.” Are you a time traveller?
4-yr-old, out of the blue: “Dad, it’s hard to open tiny creatures’ heads.” Wait, what?
4-yr-old: “Our house is not on the highway. We’re on the low way.” And I’ll see Loch Lomond before you?
4-yr-old: “I don’t go to sleep very often.” I’m aware…
4-yr-old: “Dad, are you going to put this on Twitter?”
4-yr-old, quite seriously: “I like both characters in Dora.”
4-yr-old: “Some boys come from libraries.” Yes, those are the good ones…
4-yr-old: “The ketchup is almost all gone. It’s half up to down here…” Um, what?
I don’t think it’s possible to take a bad photo of the 4-yr-old…pic.twitter.com/sCjeiPkTTC
4-yr-old: “Food goes to your butt because it takes the squiggly slide. Squiggle, squiggle, squiggle. Then it’s poop.” Future bio teacher!
4-yr-old to 8-yr-old: “What happens if I light you on fire?” #futurepsycho
4-yr-old: “I’m smiling my Twitter smile. Are you going to put it on line?”
4-yr-old: “Dad, you HAFTA try celery with peanut butter!” Peer-pressured by my own kid?
4-yr-old: “What did you shave?”
Me: “I trimmed my goatee.”
4-yr-old: “You shaved your teeth? Let me see!” *sees* “They’re still there!”
@mandinni, to 4-yr-old in the middle of the kitchen floor: “You need to move.”
4-yr-old, wailing: “But I don’t know how!”
4-yr-old: “Thanks for the barrettes. Sometimes I get hair in my pickle juice!” In your what now? pic.twitter.com/7pMchJfuLi
4-yr-old, having trouble with her coat: “Aww, zipper… it’s time for you to learn to get up there!”
4-yr-old: “Do dinosaurs have lava inside their mouths?” Me: “No, but that would be AWESOME!” pic.twitter.com/ZAXX2CssVg
4-yr-old when she found out she had to stay with me instead of going with her mom to the older kids’ choir practice: pic.twitter.com/KLRzc2niJt
4-yr-old: “I kissed my chocolate milk because it was a boy.” Are you drunk?
4-yr-old: “Dad were you ever a kid before?”
Me: “I don’t know, what do you think?”
4-yr-old: “Maybe when you were four. Like me! I’m four.”
Talking to the kids about the barbed wire around the Correctional Centre, then 4-yr-old says “Look, another jail!” Um, no…that’s a school.
I believe the 4-yr-old has just achieved “peak tantrum.” I’ll be applying to the National Research Council for a grant to study this further.
4-yr-old: “Dada, what’s this?”
Me: “It’s a cape.”
4-yr-old: “Who does it belong to?”
Me: “Snow White”
4-yr-old: “Snow White is a superhero?”
4-yr-old is talking in a robot voice.
Me: “Are you a robot?”
4-yr-old: “No, I’m just acting like a robot!”
OK, good… I was worried there!
4-yr-old: “What if the moon scrapeded my knee?”
Me: “Would that be a big problem?”
4-yr-old: “Yeah, then we’d have to go back to Earth!”
Me: “Have a red jelly bean.”
4-yr-old: “Does it taste like strawberry or tomato?”
4-yr-old: “Lipstick means love.”
Me: “Um, what?”
4-yr-old: “Because with lipstick, they kiss you.”
Oh, of course…
4-yr-old: “Ow! I accidentally punchded myself…” Bummer.
4-yr-old: “I’m going to send mom a secret message.”
Me: “How? She’s in another room.”
4-yr-old: “Don’t worry, I’ll use a computer!”
4-yr-old: “Sometimes I eat just food.” As opposed to….?
4-yr-old: “Dada, I’m running like The Flash!”
*one minute later*
4-yr-old: “The Flash is tired.”
4-yr-old: “I’m all hot and crusty!” Say what?
4-yr-old: “You have to listen to my butt. My butt is saying ‘Thank-you’.” Say what?
Future rock star… vine.co/v/O1MvZHhqzM2
4-yr-old: “You’re being chased by a vampire! I’m a vampire….with no teeth!” So, how does that work?
How to tell if your 4-yr-old is fake-crying: she stops once in a while to clear her throat before continuing to cry…
4-yr-old alleges this is Santa’s house. She’s a pastor’s kid…pic.twitter.com/gDiasQORJc
4-yr-old, seating herself between @mandinni and me: “I’m going to sit down between both of my grownups!”
4-yr-old: “I’m going to give everyone fruit tart kisses.”
4-yr-old: “It’s a kiss that’s actually a tart. So you have to eat it.”
4-yr-old: “What would happen if you coloured on someone’s eye?”
She didn’t say it, but I heard “I’m asking for a friend…”
4-yr-old: “This lipstick helps me kiss.”
4-yr-old: “I’ve expressed everything I needed to express!” If you say so…
4-yr-old complaining about too much bubbles… in her bubble bath.#facepalm
4-yr-old: “Look what the tooth fairy gave me!”
Me: “But you haven’t lost any… what did you give the tooth fairy?”
She: “Invisible tooth!”
4-yr-old, looking at her name on a Christmas ornament: “I don’t like these lower case ‘e’s. I only like capital ‘E’s!”
4-yr-old: “Dada, there’s something I don’t get.”
Me: “What’s that?”
4-yr-old: “That you can’t have cake all the time…”
Me too kid, me too.
4-yr-old, asking what’s for dinner: “Dada, what did I order?”
4-yr-old: “A B C D E F… Ninja?”
4-yr-old: “I have to listen to your heartbeat and tapdance at the same time.”
She: “I have a tapdance party to get to!”
4-yr-old, re: supper: “This is so good I’m going to keep eating it all night!” Parenting win!
4-yr-old: “This elastic is broken in two pieces… my life is wrecked forever!” Well, as long as you’re keeping the right perspective on it.
4-yr-old: “I’m still hungry. I wouldn’t want to eat everything in the house… some of it is too spicy!”
4-yr-old: “Ghost’s poop smells nice, like a dishwasher.” What are you on and where can I get some?
4-yr-old: “I probably have Jello in my arms instead of bones. They’re so wiggly!”
Me: “Keep your eyes open for that thing you lost, okay?”
4-yr-old: “But daddy, what if I have to blink?”
4-yr-old: “You’re the boss of me, daddy. Until mommy gets home.” Oh, I see how it is…
4-yr-old, dressed like a princess: “Oh wicked witch, where are you?” *sotto voce* “Dad, you can be the wicked witch.” Thanks…
4-yr-old: “Look at my picture, daddy!”
Me: “What is it?”
4-yr-old: “It’s an exploding tree in the sky!”
But of course pic.twitter.com/CuQoTGXlEY
4-yr-old: “Popcorn is my life, daddy.”
The 4-yr-old is counting in ordinals… too smart for her own good.
4-yr-old: “I want my birthday on church day.”
@mandinni: “But it’s tomorrow.”
4-yr-old: “Fine, I’ll have my birthday tomorrow.”