Those of you who follow me on Twitter know my youngest is a boundless font of wisdom. Collected here are her bon mots and activities for the past year:
The now-three-yr-old has decided, apparently, that birthdays are great days to be grouchy the whole day…
Birthday girl! Her favorite part of the Happy Meal is the yogurt. pic.twitter.com/pIEePaKV
Noelle, on first spotting her cake: “Bring it to ME!!” pic.twitter.com/LZ9ehzrq
The 3-yr-old is having a “plain” sandwich. It’s just two pieces of bread with nothing between them…
3-yr-old: “I broke my sister’s heart.” Paper heart, ripped in half…
Getting a little worried about the 3-yr-old’s diet. Earlier, it was “plain” sandwiches (bread only) and now she’s eating lettuce. By itself.
3-yr-old, undressing: “My shirt is all peanut butter!” Yes, yes it is.
My three-yr-old, standing on one foot: “Oh, I just can’t hop today!”
Three-yr-old, upon being picked up from the sitter: “Can I drive?” What could possibly go wrong?
Three-yr-old: “I just bonked my head. I just need a kiss.”
3-yr-old, looking at a blank lined page: “I don’t understand what this means.” Me neither, kid…
Ugh. 3-yr-old is regressing… Poops everywhere but the toilet. #ihatepottytraining
3-yr-old to me, as I’m leaving for work: “I want you back!” *heart breaks*
3-yr-old: “That’s upside down. I’ll put it upside up!”
3-yr-old: “I’m not sticky any more. I’m gross!” This is apparently a step forward…
3-yr-old: “Oh no! My clothes are off!” What, you just noticed?
My three-yr-old just said she was going to outwit the bucket, but I’m pretty sure she meant she was going out with the bucket.
3-yr-old: “You’re on my feet and I’m on your feet!”
3-yr-old: “We’re both standing in the right order!”
3-yr-old calls shovels “shubbles”, which led the 7-yr-old to opine “I knew you were shubble when you walked in.” Oi…
3-yr-old, to me: “Now stop talking. I’m trying to eat.” #sass
3-yr-old: “Daddy, I’m all disgusting.” She had gum on her fingers…
Watching BBC’s Africa with the 3-yr-old. For some reason, she’s convinced she needs to be protected from the monkeys. Seems it’s after her.
3-yr-old is standing in a shopping bag, trying to pick herself up off the floor by the handles.
The 3-yr-old is a naked Backyardigan.
3 yr. old brandishing a wrapped Wagon wheel, “I need this! It’s trapped!”
According to the 3-yr-old, this is the biggest canpake ever. pic.twitter.com/J0AcXWIYI8
3-yr-old, angrily: “You are funny! And you are funny! And YOU!”
3-yr-old: “I don’t want to eat a huge burp.” Me neither, kid…
“Cluck cluck. I’m clucking like a bee!” ~ The 3-yr-old.
3-yr-old is standing in front of the mirror, telling knock-knock jokes to herself…
3-yr-old, refusing a bath: “Sorry, but I gotta be messy.”
3-yr-old, to her “Epic” McDonald’s glider toy: “C’mon big guy, let’s throw you!”
3-yr-old: What’s for supper?
She: I love hotdogs!
Me: I had a hunch you might.
She: Oh, I love huntchus!
Me: “You need some pants.”
3-yr-old: “No I don’t, ’cause I’m a pirate!”
Me: “Why are you naked?”
3-yr-old, with a 13-yr-old’s eye-roll: “I’m doing the hotdog dance.”
3-yr-old is doing quite a convincing evil laugh at her mom. I have no idea where she picked that up. None whatsoever. *whistles* What?
3-yr-old: “I want butter in my mouth.”
A minute later: “I want butter on my finger.”
Me: “Clever girl.” pic.twitter.com/Ps9FfeknyB
3-yr-old is singing “The Itsy Titsy Spider”… that must be the adult version.
When your 3-yr-old is quiet too long, you may want to check that she’s not finger-painting herself with fluff… pic.twitter.com/hkf2K9F2pU
There is nothing so smile-inducing as being greeted at the door with a “DADEEEEE!” by an enthusiastic 3-yr-old…
Hilarity ensues when the 3-yr-old mispronounces “wedding” as “whooping”, as in “we’re going to the whooping!” You have no idea, kid…
3-yr-old, on receiving dry shoes from her mom: “Oh mom! How can I ever thank you?”
3-yr-old: “Hee hee, I’m funny, dad!” Truer words…
Apparently, to a 3-yr-old, processed cheese slices are just another form of Play-Doh.
3-yr-old: “Thbbt. Daddy, I’m farting with my mouth!”
3-yr-old: “I’m changing my name to a dinosaur!” Okay, triceratot…
3-yr-old, running around buck naked, stops and looks back over her shoulder: “Daddy, I toot quiet.” Uh, thanks?
3-yr-old is gluing pieces of lunch meat to her bare chest with mustard. How did we get to this point? #mowgli
3-yr-old, on learning she would have to put on a new pair of underpants this morning: “Church undies?”
I guess to a 3-yr-old, toothpaste looks a lot like fingerpaint, but that doesn’t make it any more fun to clean off the walls…
How the 3-yr-old asks for a peanut-butter sandwich: “Peanut butter bread, then one more over the peanut butter.”
My 3-yr-old calls her favourite tv shows “Kids’ CDC,” so now I’m expecting to see Sid & Patti in cleanroom suits or gas masks…
I’m pretty sure that recipe preparation times don’t take into account having a 3-yr-old in the same house as where you’re attempting to cook
3-yr-old is blowing on the floor to “cool it off”. Doesn’t she know it’s lava? I thought her siblings taught her better than that…
3-yr-old: “Just go away, you know where I am!” Oh yeah, she’s going to be a fun teenager…
3-yr-old: “Dad, I need your help!”
3-yr-old: “I’m pinching myself.”
Dear Mio, thanks for teaching my 3-yr-old a bastardized version of “Eye of the Tiger” that she can sing constantly. I really love it. Really
It’s very hard to browse a store inconspicuously when you’re accompanied by a 3-yr-old who’s pretending to be a monkey.
3-yr-old: “I’m not a normal person.” #youdontsay
3-yr-old: “I’m…a…robot… PEwPEw…I killed you.” Yay? #raisingnerds
Me: “Wash your hands.”
3-yr-old: “Dad, I already licked them.”
Is it bad if, after a shower, a 3-yr-old smells a little like wet dog? I’m asking for a friend…
So the 3-yr-old has a UTI. Pretty sure my family is single-handedly keeping the pharmacy in business. My insurer, on the other hand…
3-yr-old: What did you eat for supper?
She: Can I see?
Me: No, they’re in my tummy.
She: I could rip you open and see
Me: Um, no
3-yr-old: “Dad, what if I’m not riding a horse?”
Me: “What if?”
Me: … ?
Pretty sure the 3-yr-old’s arms are made of spaghetti noodles. There’s no other possible explanation for how she can bend and contort them.
3-yr-old is running around the house screaming at the top of her lungs: “I like to move it, move it!” Pretty sure her sister put her up 2 it
3-yr-old: “I have an idea. If we all dance and get some food, that’ll be great!” Um…Okay?
Why do I have to tell the 3-yr-old not to lick her toes at the dinner table? Shouldn’t that go without saying? #parenting
3-yr-old, on eating homemade pumpkin seeds: “That’s the yummest I ever had!”
3-yr-old skyping with the grandparentals. Who says technology isolates? pic.twitter.com/sJynu4Icnl
3-yr-old, being cute… vine.co/v/hgmqLlTWIME
3-yr-old just told me to “nevermind” when I wouldn’t give her what she wanted. 3 going on 13?
3-yr-old: I know what to do dad.
She: Smash you with my foot!
Me: No smashing please.
She: Then I’ll scary like a monster eat you.
Me: “Hey, N, why are you naked?”
3-yr-old: “Because I took all my clothes off.”
How can you argue with that?
Pretty sure my 3-yr-old has a crush on Sid the Science Kid. So, yay for science, but boo for the theme song over and over…
Me: “Did you pick that shirt?”
3-yr-old: “Yes, it has two sleeves!”
As opposed to… ?
3-yr-old: “It has not lots of sleeves.”
3-yr-old: “Hey Dad! Look at this spoon fork. It’s called a pork!” You say so…
3-yr-old plays “spot the camera”… pic.twitter.com/FiYsQQYOSo
3-yr-old: “I blew up the balloon with this!” Holds up a pin… she popped the balloon… #confused
3-yr-old and 7-yr-old are arguing over whether the garlic sausage served with supper (perogies ftw!) is spicy or merely tasty…
Me: “Hey, N, get your toes off the supper table.”
3-yr-old: “Roger that, daddy.”
3-yr-old: “Hey dad, I’m doing rock n’ roll so you turn the tv on!” *dances around* Not sure what the connection is there…
3-yr-old, frustrated at not being able to fit the puzzle together, flings the pieces across the room. “No puzzle pieces, you blew it!”
3-yr-old: “Dad! Laugh when I tickle you!” #siryessir
7-yr-old gives 3-yr-old a lollipop. In the car. Chaos ensues. pic.twitter.com/ZVddv2mtag
3-yr-old, out of the blue: “I’m just kidding… bacon is awesome!” I have nothing further to teach you…
3-yr-old: “Let me start my robot dance… first I have to do some tricks!”
3-yr-old: “I love everybody… and Micole.” @nicolelona has a fan!
3-yr-old is singing “The beavers give us milk.” Uh kid, some advice: Don’t try to milk a beaver. That’s going to end badly. #misheardlyrics
3-yr-old and grandpa reading Dora together. pic.twitter.com/9Zya89n3kv
3-yr-old: What’s on your shirt?
Grandpa: Koala bears.
3-yr-old: Do you mean elephants?
3-yr-old: I’m hungry.
Me: There’s an Apple in the kitchen with your name on it.
3-yr-old, picking up apple: I don’t see any writing on it…
3-yr-old: “Butterflies are mean!”
3-yr-old: “Dad, I want to rawr like a buttefly!”
3-yr-old to grandpa: “You know what? Let’s play tickle monster.”
3-yr-old, waving wildly in front of her face: “Look, I’m juggling fruit!” Invisible juggling…well done.
3-yr-old swimming with “bear arms”. vine.co/v/hDhjDiHUBq7
3-yr-old sliding at the pool… vine.co/v/hDhxYXi5Baq
3-yr-old: “I sneezed two times. Say ‘gesundheit’ two times.”
Me: “Gesundheit, gesundheit.”
3-yr-old: “Good job, dad!”
3-yr-old: “It’s absoyutely yes!” Where did that come from?
3-yr-old: “Mary had a little lamp.” Um okay… its bulb was white as snow?
3-yr-old: “Can I smear the window for you?” Okay…?
3-yr-old: “What kind of candies are these?”
@mandinni : “They are called Whoppers.”
3-yr-old: “Do they wop somebody?”
Me: “What’s papou?”
3-yr-old: “It’s when you have to start dancing!”
Well, alrighty then…
3-yr-old: “My hands are pluney from the bath!” pic.twitter.com/99LGXZ5WbZ
3-yr-old: “I need to go talk to my reflection in the mirror.” Yeah, that’s not a thought that’s going to keep me up at night…
3-yr-old: “What are those?”
7-yr-old: “They’re my chopsticks.”
3-yr-old: “Can I chop things with them?”
3-yr-old: “I’m gonna do something funny.” *pulls face* “Now laugh at me!”
Seriously, McD’s? You forgot to put the chicken nuggets in this chicken nugget Happy Meal. 3-yr-old is disappoint… pic.twitter.com/ZcETWfDidC
3-yr-old: “Now yellow is my favourite colour, okay?”
3-yr-old: “Tomorrow, red will be my favourite colour.”
3-yr-old, blowing on her food: “I have so much air in me, dad.” Good to know…
3-yr-old: Can I eat all my Halloween candy?
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea.
3-yr-old: Well, I do!
3-yr-old: “I’m a jumping rock star!” Okay… does this have anything to do with the fact that you’re not wearing pants?
3-yr-old: “I don’t like ketchup flavoured chips. They’re too ketchup-y.” You were expecting something else?
3-yr-old: “Dad, stop being a nerd!”
3-yr-old: “What comes after fourteen?”
@mandinni : “Eighty-seven.”
3-yr-old: “Okay, what’s after that?”
3-yr-old: “10 days til my birthday and I’m on 99.”
Me: “You’re turning 99 on your next birthday?”
3-yr-old: “No! I’m turning thirty!”
3-yr-old, watching me grate cheese: “There’s no cheese in the house.”
Me: “Yes there is.”
3-yr-old: “Dad, don’t be a turkey!”
According to the 3-yr-old, these are Father-Man bubbles… No comment. pic.twitter.com/ATc3nUuNfx
3-yr-old: “My tummy said something!”
Me: “Did it say ‘feed me, I’m hungry’?”
3-yr-old: “No, it said ‘Yo!’ “
3-yr-old decided this paper needed to be blown into the floor. She ran into some troubles… vine.co/v/hFQdDBzQepb
3-yr-old: “I need to go to the toilet. So I’m going to take my pen and my schedule with me!” Oh. Okay. Wait, what?
3-yr-old: “My favourite colour is awfully green.” True Riders fan. #101GC
3-yr-old: “You gotta stop talking, and listen to this!”
Me: “Did you finish off a whole box of fruit snacks in one day?”
3-yr-old: “No.” *holds up a pack of fruit snacks* “Not yet!”
3-yr-old: “I just goed pee!”
Me: “Okay, but can you put your pants back on now?”
3-yr-old: “Okey dokey!”
3-yr-old: “I will do a thing for you and you can clap for me when I’m done!”
3-yr-old: “What comes after cows?” Uh, is that a trick question?
Pretty sure my 3-yr-old is beat boxing while she puts together this puzzle… vine.co/v/hP5V9WXgd75
3-yr-old: “I really am a super-hero!” Um, I don’t think you’re supposed to tell anyone…
3-yr-old, out of the blue: “Hey, you’re a nut!”
3-yr-old, hopping around the house on 1 foot wearing only underpants, and a bucket on her head: “I’m a space alien!” B/c, you know, aliens.
3-yr-old, holding her toe: “Dad, which little piggy comes first?”
3-yr-old attempting to play Mario Kart Wii. Let’s just say it’s not going well… vine.co/v/hxYFUJvrb5T
3-yr-old is making Mary & Joseph climb the trees in one of our nativity scenes. I can’t bring myself to stop her… #NewChristmasStory ?
3-yr-old, re my supper: “Ew, that’s gross!”
Me: “Well, I’m not making you eat it.”
3-yr-old: “No, but you’re making you eat it.”
3-yr-old going down the big slide at FJD. Looks like fun! vine.co/v/hQpP1waDzbL
3-yr-old trying the diving board for the first time. No fear! vine.co/v/hQpEZl560iL
An unsupervised 3-yr-old, three stir-crazy cats and a Christmas tree…what could possibly go wrong?
3-yr-old, to 8-yr-old: “You keep instracting me!” Is that to distract with instructions?
3-yr-old, after saying grace: “I’m so nice to God!”
Diego the animal rescuer: “Will you help us?”
3-yr-old: “No, I’m not in the TV!”
She’s no dummy…
3-yr-old: “Oh, I like princesses!”
Me: “Is that because you’re a princess?”
3-yr-old: “Yep. I’m Princess Monkey Big-Girl!”
If you say so…
Me: “Hey, N, can you drink your milk?”
3-yr-old: “Okay, Mr. Hecht!”
First, students accidentally calling me dad, and now this?
3-yr-old: “I need a bath. I’m thilthy!”
3-yr-old, to 8-yr-old: “Enough with the kisses!”
3-yr-old: “Why can’t I wear my princess dress?”
8-yr-old: “We’re playing fishing. You don’t have to be pretty to go fishing!”
3-yr-old falls asleep in the weirdest places…. pic.twitter.com/I4dnUykAQA
3-yr-old, out of nowhere: “I don’t think I can hold my horses…”
8-yr-old: “What’re we having for supper?”
3-yr-old: “We already had supper last night, sis!”
Once is enough, right?
3-yr-old: “I’m starting to change into a tiger… then I’ll change back into a reindeer.” Back?
3-yr-old: “I guess I’m not magic…” Little does she know…
3-yr-old: “Everyone is mine, mine, mine! Mom is my mom, you’re my dad, you’re mine!” Interesting perspective…
This afternoon’s edutainment programming is brought to you by the 3-yr-old, glitter glue, Chewbacca the cat, and the words “not again”.
3-yr-old, out of the blue: “Can someone please marry me?” Not for another thirty years…
3-yr-old is singing along to the Frozen soundtrack, then reciting the lines from the movie that come after each song. #memorized
3-yr-old: “Rapunzel? Is that a country?”
3-yr-old: “Our cousins can fly. They’re bees. They’re friendly bees. They give nice stings. See, it’s a cousin bee!” What are you on, child?
3-yr-old: “I’m real, but I’m not for eating.” Duly noted.
3-yr-old: “I can’t dance in the bathtub… I won’t hear the music!” But of course…
3-yr-old: “Daddy, are you perfect?” Uh, ask your mom…
3-yr-old has no trouble kicking to make splashes… vine.co/v/MWDtadQhhTI
3-yr-old walks out of the room. “1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10, ready or not, here I come!” Walks back into the room. “Found you!” Oooookay…
3-yr-old: “Now I’m un-upside-down. I’m upside up.” Well, that’s certainly one way of looking at it.
3-yr-old: “Can you please help me sir?”
Me: “Did you just call me sir?”
3-yr-old: “Don’t be silly… I called my hand sir!”
I don’t even…
3-yr-old: “Daddy, I think you’re a little young to be cooking!” Uh, who does that leave, then?
10-yr-old and 3-yr-old playing together on the keyboard. And with a headphone splitter, no one else has to hear pic.twitter.com/P907RzDPUC
Almost 4-yr-old: “When do I get presents?
@mandinni : “Tomorrow.”
Almost 4-yr-old: “From Santa?”
Yes, he has a gift-giving monopoly…